Author unknown. This came in a great email to me today.
THIS IS FUNNY – I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT!!!!
When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit
for the mature
figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered.
They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a good job.
Today’s stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice-she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming
away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney’s Fantasia
or she can wander around every run of the mill department store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer
range of fluorescent rubber bands. What choice did I have? I wandered
around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors
known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of
the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was
developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a
slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually
lever yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks as any
shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer
whiplash. I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the
shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror – my chest had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one part of it cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman isn’t meant to wear her femininty spread across her chest like a speed bump.
I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the
mirror to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those
bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of
play dough wearing undersized cling wrap.
As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh,
there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn’t so sure and asked what else she had to show
me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.
I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frills
and came out looking like Tarzan’s Jane, pregnant with triplets and
having a rough day.
I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish
in mourning.
I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.
Finally, I found a suit that fit…a two-piece affair with a shorts
style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.
It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.
When I got home, I found a label which read — "Material might become
transparent in water."
So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I’m there too .. I’ll be the one in cut off jeans and a
t-shirt!
"Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the
rain!!
Thanks Carole….I really enjoyed that!! Nothing like a good belly laugh to brighten ones spirits. I\’m sure this one will keep me smiling for the rest of the day.
Hugs
Karin
ROFLMAO!!!! This was too funny. Thanks for today\’s laugh. Hugs
Hilarious!!! I just had my big laugh of the day.
aww I know I hate trying on bathing suits! I like my black one piece speedo, except it does squish my boobs flat. I hate that!
Warm hug, Frana
UG!Chamber of horrors is correct!I hate hate hate trying on anything like that- it\’s all true-blah!I stay out of the water……unless it\’s in a hottub necked!!!
I hope you don\’t mind me laughing at your expense here. You are really funny you know? If you can\’t laugh at yourself once in a while where would we be I\’d like to know! I have to admit that for the most part fashion is more kind to men in that it\’s boring and doesn\’t change much but at least it sometimes spares the humiliation…or does it? Well, after reading this I think that you could easily do some excellent stand up comic work…maybe you\’re millions lie in that…if so don\’t forget to send a courtesy thousand or ten my way huh?
LOL… oh mygoodness.. that was just tooo funny. All this time they have been telling us they have improved the swimsuit design yet.. I\’m with this lady… I gag when I see myself in what they have to offer… Too cute…
This is an author unknown email that I posted. Not of my own work.
This just confirms why I no longer try on and wear woman’s clothing.
Kidding!!!!
I\’m just kidding…
Really!!!
But then again…Maybe I should post a picture of myself in Shore Fit Sunwear?
Ummm…Nope!
Have an awesome week…Gregster
I sympathize with this story lol.
Hope your birthday weekend was as wonderful as you are.
Hugs
Sherry
LOL, spped bumps yeah
T shirts and cutoffs forever I say!
I could have written this…lol…no way will I wear the suits they have out there today…go to the beach every year, but you\’ll see me in my knee knockers (is that what they call them now…oh, well!)…and T…I admire people who can put something together like this and make us laugh…
You made my day with this post. I tell ya it took a longtime to read this as I had to stop and wipe the laughing tears!Have a good night on your fresh-air pillow, if Ms Catt doesn\’ttake it all. 😉
Lmao yep I saw this too. so funny.. cut off jeans and a T that brings back many memories.. : )
Thank you for sharing my friends and I really enjoy to read make me laugh too, in the way some truth in todays young people?
Keeping smiling and have a nice day,
xxxooo
I know I enjoyed you sending it to my Inbox!!
I laughed myself silly. Hahaha The funny thing is … I can relate to the frustration.
This was too funny. I had read it before and I lauhed just as hard this time as I did the first. Thanks for sharing it . My laugh for the day. Hugs, Pat
tee hee ha ha ha
I\’m giving you the "I\’m Proud of You" award. Really. I came here for diet inspiration and got it.
Hugs,
Linda
That\’s a good one and easy to relate to.
Fun-ny stuff & unfortunately, too true 😛
A belated Happy Birthday- I\’ve been so tied up with "real life" that I missed the day all together; here are prayers & blessings for the next thousand "Good Mornings" to live & enjoy.
so that was you with the camera taking pix of me trying on a swim suit. Oh I can relate to this…Sorry to say but I have one of those skirt suit doesn\’t help much but at my age I just want to go in the water and have fun. This was so cute I laughed through it all…
Hugs
In reading this till the end I thought to myself, "transparent seems like a feature rather than a flaw!"